Pisces – When I look back…

As the last sign of the Zodiac, Pisces has gone through all the lessons of the ones that came before her. After one full circle, Pisces contemplates, wishes, regrets… And makes promises to herself for the future, when she begins another cycle as Aries.

You can play a game, and see which of the Piscean regrets relates to which sign of the Zodiac.

This writing was inspired by Les Vampires Oracle Deck by Lucy Cavendish, I highly recommend you check out her work.

Blessings to you all, and enjoy!

I think it was my Hope that kept me wandering the halls of Darkness, for far too long.

I think it was my contradictions that kept me in the enchanted circle of dreams that were never meant to come true. Not here, not now.

I think that it was the search for the real in me that has set me free, although at that time, it felt like torture.

I think my efforts to be “good” suffocated me, and I kept choking on my false kindness until I ran out of breath.

I think I let the rules out the outside world count more than the pure and honest voice of my heart.

I think I let my high standards destroy me. Silently, day by day, the cruel whisper of disapproval made me believe I was far less worthy than I really am.

I think my hunger made me a hunter, a ruthless seeker of emotional fulfillment.

I think I was too many times a witness of my own murder, but I chose to remain silent and not speak out.

I was addicted to the thought of ecstasy and bliss, so much that I refused to walk the dark halls leading to the light.

And my envy… Just because I thought you had what I wanted, and you got it before me. You got it and I didn’t. In my imaginary race, I forgot to ask myself – Who am I competing against? Where am I running to?

Do I even know what I lust for? Can I focus on my passion for a moment, instead of looking at you?

Can I admit to myself that I have wishes, wants, desires? Can I just admit that they exist so they can stop eating me away?

Can I stop trying to improve? Because then I keep pressuring others to change as well, and I don’t want to be that violent dictator. Let’s just love ourselves, just as we are.

Can I not let my ideal of everlasting love make me a slave? Can I find beauty in endings, and peace in completion? Can I let Love be Love, and let it change into whatever shape it wants?

Can I not let my feeling of being cast out make me wish harm on others? Can I not let that feeling of Aloneness become my only friend, the one that I cling to, obsessively, possessively, with intoxication?

And I want to forgive myself for begging for forgiveness, when there was nothing to forgive.

I want to find the key that unlocks the door of New beginnings, so I don’t repeatedly bang into walls of No-longer-is and Never-gonna-happen again. I want to find a way to stop believing it makes sense to hold on. That it has some value, that somehow it makes me a better person.

I want to forget that my reason took me towards hatred, when I thought I was going in the direction of Love.

And I forgive myself for my compassion that, in the end, was suffocating, and was taking power away from those I wanted to give power to. I regret wanting them to be anything but themselves.

Once in a while, I could have admitted my needs. That I have needs. That I feel. That I get hurt. That I need time to heal.

And I could have said Goodbye.

I could have said Goodbye when I decided to leave. I could have honored our story with a dignified ending.

But I do love that last day of Happiness, the day after which everything went wrong…